Yet Another Reason to Kill Yourself at the Multiplex This Weekend
Written by: Ron Bricker
March 28
21–A great book, based on a fascinating, supposedly-true story, that I just know will be an awful movie. Why? Because that's what Hollywood does! There's too much money at stake not to turn a unique story into an exact replica of some other movie the 60 year-old producer saw part of once–but with more tits.
Run, Fatboy, Run–I don't understand people's fascination with Simon Pegg. Shaun of the Dead was awfully unfunny. So was Hot Fuzz. I wish Michael Ian Black wasn't involved with this (story+cowriter), but I guess he needs some dough, and you don't get that for writing good stuff. Best factoid about this movie? David Schwimmer directed this surefire piece of bunk.
Stop Loss–Much like Syriana, from what I hear, this movie blunders through a great issue without saying anything concrete, without making much sense, and always shoots for style points and fails. Essentially, it’s half-ass; but, OMG, whatever, it's got Ryan Philippe in it! And he looks so hot in the poster! What a fucking tween-female-targeted poster, totally out of sync with the subject matter of the movie. Brilliant marketing…
[Question: Has 'tween' ever been used to refer to 'tweenage' boys? I feel like the term itself is feminine, but…maybe I'm wrong? Help!]
Superhero Movie–Can they stop making these movies? Can people stop going to them so they will stop making them? Even a short clip is like watching helplessly as somebody stabs me through the eye socket with a dull knife and twists until I can flawlessly recite the Gettysburg address. They. Are. Not. Funny. At. All. Nor do they have any point–a reference is not a joke! Go to joke school, for Criminy's sake!
Flawless–So flawed. A caper that's no fun is not a caper. And Demi Moore cannot act, so why put her in a period piece? Even though she's old enough to remember the '60s, god bless her, that doesn't mean she can act! Can Michael Caine retire already? If you can hear me, Mike, stop ruining your legacy!
April 4
Leatherheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!
Nim's Island–"A young girl inhabits an isolated island with her scientist father and communicates with a reclusive author of the novel she's reading." Through her imagination! And then the author overcomes her agoraphobia, finds the girl on a deserted island, and helps locate her missing father! Abigail Breslin plays Nim; Jodie Foster plays Alexandre, the author; Gerard Butler plays Nim’s father AND Jodie Foster’s schizophrenic alter-ego, Alex. Oh, Lord. Enough already with the Lord of the Rings/ Harry Potter-fueled fantasy genre. Were Narnia and that awful DeNiro movie not enough? Not every idea is good! They cause studios to lose hundreds of millions of dollars and prevent them from releasing dozens of movies that are actually GOOD!
The Ruins–Well, it's been 2 weeks, so it's time for another shitty horror movie, with the same poster as all the other ones. I think it's the same dude that makes them. If not, it's even more depressing. This one is about a group of sexy young people who stumble upon mysterious violence and some of them die, the girls get stripped and sweaty, and then it ends at some point and you wonder why you sat through it instead of just playing video games in your bedroom in your underwear for 91 minutes. Because you're a loser. Because you saw this movie.
Shine a Light–Another rare exception (that makes only 2 so far), in that I would like to see it and I imagine it will be good. Plus, it involves the Rolling Stones, so every dumbass, overpaid, McMansion/ 'luxury' condo-dwelling 35-55 year old man will either see it in the theater with his Texas-Hold-Em buddies or rent it later so he can watch on his 60" HDTV with surround sound. This will make some money, but it won't ruin The Leatherheads coming-out party, that's for sure. Read: Leatherheads=Women, Shine A Light=Men. Women win. They will drag their men to see Leatherheads on 'date night,' and the guys won't mind because it involves football and George Clooney is a 'man's man,' if you believe the PR spin he pays people to make you believe, so this movie isn’t gay like most of the other movies she wants to see. He will either see Shine A Light the next weekend, or decide to rent it later. Trust me–I can see the future.
Meet Bill–Aaron Eckhardt's American Beauty-but-funnier low-budget independent vehicle that doesn't seem to have been advertised yet, so it's highly unlikely this will be in many theaters, or will make any money. They’ve already changed the title to Bill. Why? Shit by any other name smells the same, First Look International.
My Blueberry Nights–I want to see this because it's a Wong Kar-wai movie, and I've been waiting a long time (almost a full year since its premiere at Cannes), but I don't think it will be super good. It's his first English-language movie, and it has Jude Law and Norah Jones in it. Even if it IS good, however, nobody will go to see this. How many people do you know who have even heard of In the Mood for Love? It's no Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, buddy, I mean–come on!
With all these other choices (above) at the multiplex next week–well, let's be honest, Leatherheads and Horton Hears a Who will be on 75% of the screens–who will be this movie's audience? Who loves George Clooney enough to go wherever he goes, as long as it doesn't require thinking too much (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, Darfur)?
Well, as if expecting this question, Clooney touchingly premiered the movie in tiny Mayberry, Kentucky–where his father was born. Somehow tracking down a red carpet to stand on, outside the town's opera house, Clooney had a few well-tooled, humble words to say. He even memorized them!
"They really are family," Clooney said of his Kentucky fans. "If you're from a small town, you don't really ever shake that. It's the best support system and they're always the biggest critics, which is kind of the fun of it."
The townspeople lined up for the show, namely Ronnie and Ellen Compton, of Jenkins, KY, swooned:
"We were staying in Florence (Ky.) to go to the Creation Museum and thought we'd see if we could get lucky and get in," Ronnie Compton said. (Source of both quotes: The Courier-Journal)
And so there you have it–Clooney's fans clearly are all idiots who not only believe in Creationism, but also feel the need to visit a museum devoted to the odious myth. Here's to hoping they aren't too numerous this weekend.
Cheers!
Goodtime Charlie writes a blog when he is not defying George Clooney.