What is the Worst Christmas Movie Ever? CC2K Debates
Written by: The CinCitizens
Ernest Saves Christmas – by Russell Davidson
Are there lots of really bad Christmas movies out there? Hell yes. Are any quite as bad as Ernest Saves Christmas? Hell no. For those unfamiliar with the Ernest oeuvre, he’s a dimwit who some people actually find amusing, an ignorant hayseed, who some people actually find amusing, a boob, who some people actually find amusing. Who are these people? They’re not telling. Now, Jim Varney (Ernest) parlayed this shtick into seven (count ‘em, seven) movies, Ernest Goes to Africa, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail, Ernest Goes to School, Ernest Scared Stupid, and Slam Dunk Ernest, as well as our Christmas one here. Hard to believe, I know.
Right, I’m sure you’re wondering just how DOES Ernest save Christmas. There’s not much to it. Santa shows up in Orlando looking for a new Santa to take over the job. The current Santa, it turns out, has debilitating mental issues, and can’t continue to spread cheer and all that. So he tries to talk an ex-kiddie-show host to take over, but the guy’s reluctant, of course. Will this new guy become Santa before 7:00 (?!?!) on Christmas Eve, thereby continuing the magic of the holiday, or won’t he, thereby ending Christmas forever! Oh, the suspense! Ernest to the rescue, of course, as he steals Santa’s sleigh and shows the to-be Santa that the magic does exist! The guy sees the light and agrees to be the new Santa, hooray! Christmas WILL continue! Way to go, Ernest!
Perfectly harmless, right? Wrong. It’s painful and excruciating to watch. Problem one: Ernest. The guy just ain’t funny. And for some reason the film is loaded with close-ups of Jim Varney, and it’s not pretty. Shot after shot of his teeth, his squirmy lips, his nose, his buggy eyes. That’s humor? Saves money on sets, I guess, but nothing I want to look at. Problem two: Santa. Here we have the most ineffectual Santa ever put on film. I thought Santa was tough, like a super-hero. This guy is impotent in every way, a complete wimp, a do-nothing, a loser. Santa a loser, no way! How dare they? Problem three: the acting, the directing, the script, the score, the photography, the everything. Yeah, I know it’s low budget, but come on. Low-budget doesn’t account for logic errors, like why Santa shipped the reindeer in boxes (abuse!) instead of just flying them down to Orlando, or why everyone in the film is sweating like Richard Nixon, or why Santa’s not fat, or why Ernest’s cab number is 69 (can’t be a coincidence – what kind of a sicko would put that in a kid’s film?), or why Santa’s bag glows like the case in Kiss Me Deadly, or why why why this movie had to be made at all?
Most Christmas flicks, no matter how bad they are, have a kernel of something wonderful, hopeful or sweet. This one has Jim Varney’s squished face on full-screen display. A Christmas nightmare, to be sure.