Two Girls, One Geek: Confessions of an Unwitting Player
Written by: Big Ross, CC2K Staff Writer
Now, around this time is where Amber enters the story. I worked my way through college with a part-time job to supplement my scholarships and avoiding taking out student loans. In my hometown, opportunities for part-time employment were fairly limited. I basically had three choices. Work at a customer service call center for the local cable company (no thank you), work at a McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, or Taco Bell (not in a million years), or work at Wal-mart or one of the two grocery stores in town (better than the alternatives). So I went to work at the local branch of the Wal-mart Empire. This was overall a souring experience, and ever since I’ve avoided patronizing Sam Walton’s virus of a business if at all possible. But hey, it paid my way through college, helped me buy a new car, and made the experience I’m relating to you possible, so I guess it wasn’t all bad.
Amber also worked at Wal-mart; she was what they called a Support Manager, which was several rungs below Assistant Manager, heh like you really care. I would see her around the store, we would chat sometimes during a break, and if we were both working a closing shift, she would come by the Hardware department (where I worked) to inspect it to make sure all the shelves were stocked and straightened. I’m not sure if it’s a characteristic of other geeks, or just men in general, but I tend to be rather dense when it comes to women. So it took me awhile to figure out that Amber was flirting with me. It literally wasn’t until after hanging around my department long after she had cleared it and saying something about how we should go out for drinks sometime that I finally got the message; to paraphrase Dan Akroyd, maybe I would have gotten it sooner had it fallen out of the sky, landed on my face, and started to wiggle.
And so I came to a crossroads the likes of which I had not encountered in my 21 years of existence. After years of the occasional relationship and more “you’re a really nice guy, but I’m not interested” statements than I care to remember, I had not one, but two girls attracted to me. If I were the star of a lame sitcom, here’s what might have happened next.
[Miniature version of me, in a black tuxedo with red bow tie, devil horns, and barbed tail poofs into existence on my left shoulder.] “Dude, this is awesome. You need to hit that, right quick. Hey! Better yet, try to talk her and Jamie into a ménage à trois. That would be legendary.”
[Miniature version of me, dressed in white, flowing robes with angelic wings and halo poofs into existence on my right shoulder.] “Don’t listen to him! You’re not that kind of guy. A cheating, womanizing, two-timing loser.”
Demonic BR: “Come on you Nancy! I’m talking about two girls at the same time. Just think of it.”
Angelic BR: “Hmmm…I hate to agree with him, but he’s got a point. I say we go for it.”
Demonic BR: “Heh, I knew you had it in ya.”
Of course, that never happened. The thoughts running through my head at that time were probably closer to “Holy shit! Now what do I do?”
Though I will admit, somewhat ashamedly, that I did decide to go out with Amber, while staying involved with Jamie. How did I justify it? Maybe it was simply a rationalization on my part, which if you’re a fan of House M.D. you know is just a lie you tell yourself, but I couldn’t deny I was interested in Amber, yet still enjoyed the relationship I had with Jamie, and how could I know if Amber and I would hit it off or not? So I walked head-long into a storm I had no idea the magnitude of, kind of like George Clooney and his crew in A Perfect Storm.
As opposed to those ill-fated fishermen, I did manage to make it out the other side alive and with all my limbs and sexual organs intact, but it was some rough sailing indeed. I learned quite a bit from the experience, which I’d like to pass on to you, the reader.
- Never attempt to date two people at the same time – It’s too much work. And too stressful. And too expensive. And too grating on your conscience. And (no offense ladies) but dating, dealing with, and trying to understand one woman is difficult enough, but by some means that defies the laws of mathematics, dating two is 8 times harder.
- If you’re going to attempt this, don’t inform them ahead of time – Which is precisely what I did. As I said, this sort of thing plays on your conscience, or at least it did mine, so in some kind of half-hearted attempt at being a stand-up guy while I was about to do a bit of two-timing (how ridiculous is that?), I told Jamie that I was going out for drinks with (get this) “someone from work.” She (of course) inquired, “Who?” and I replied, “Oh, just a, ah, friend. Her name’s Amber.” DANGER Big Ross! DANGER! And yet, she didn’t react the way I thought. I think that some small part of me (the guilty part) wanted her to get mad, tell me off, and stop me from doing it. But Jamie just said, “Oh, yeah, okay. I guess we’re just friends, right?” which made the rest of me feel like Neo near the end of The Matrix, dodging a bullet that should have ended me.
- Being Friends with Benefits only works for so long – As you’ll read in a moment, I got caught. But it might not have been a big deal if what Jamie said to me, that we were just friends and my going out with another girl was okay, was actually true. It wasn’t, or if it was at one point, it wasn’t anymore. At some point in this kind of relationship or arrangement or whatever you want to call it, odds are that one of the two involved is going to develop deeper feelings for the other. That’s what happened with Jamie and I, and it’s why my juggling act would soon end…badly.
- Also, if you’re going to attempt this, avoid dates at the same places – Something I failed to do. Remember when I told you about the bar scene in my hometown and said it would become relevant later on? Now is when “later on” joins the present. You have to remember that I had never done this kind of thing before, and had no real idea of how to do it with anything resembling success, so when Amber and I went out for drinks, we ended up at The Home, the same place Jamie and I went to, and a place Jamie’s friends frequented. One of her friends recognized me, didn’t recognize the girl I was dancing with, and promptly called Jamie to inform her of the situation, which amounted to the fact that Amber and I were executing a dance move that required our lips to be touching. For a fairly significant amount of time.
- If you attempt this and get caught, come clean – Which is exactly what I did. I got a call from Jamie the next day, and while I may be dense when it comes to recognizing if a woman is interested in me, my reception seems to be crystal clear when one is mad at me. Jamie felt we “needed to talk,” and she came over to my place and told me the gig was up. I had been spotted, tattled on, and now faced the wrath of a woman scorned. I learned what I told you about a minute ago, that she had developed feelings for me and was in fact not okay with my going out with another girl. Rather than try to worm or weasel my way out of it with denials or excuses (I may have been horny and stupid, but I’m not an asshole), I simply hung my head and tried to apologize for hurting her, something I swear to this day I had never wanted to do.
And that is pretty much my story. How did it all end? Jamie and I decided to try and be friends without the benefits, though we didn’t hang out much after that. I came clean to Amber and told her about Jamie and all, and surprisingly even though she was upset, she gave me another chance, though we only went out a few more times before mutually deciding we weren’t really going anywhere and amicably split. Now that I think of it, I guess there was one more lesson I learned, and it might be the most important.
- Never miss out on break up sex – Yes, also something I managed to mess up. On the same day I was busted by Jamie and we canceled the benefits of our friendship, she wanted to “reap" those benefits one more time. Perhaps it was karma or a bit poetic justice, but I found myself sans condom, and so we simply said good bye to that unique and short-lived episode of my life with…
…a hug