The Life and Death of Johnny the Guard

Written by: Adam "ManKorn" Korenman, CC2K Video Games Editor

The Body

Even after taking rounds and watching people die, Johnny still doesn’t quite understand the specifics of his job description. This is evident when he stumbles upon the decomposing corpse of a former colleague.

This has nothing to do with the article, but who cares

Like any good soldier, Johnny immediately calls in for help. After the cavalry arrive and complete a sweep of the area, everyone assumes the danger is gone. Johnny simply goes back to walking his lonely path, kicking up dust with his boots while he waits for his fifteen-minute break to start. He has to step over the body of a fallen comrade every other turn, but it doesn’t affect him at all.

It’s fine, he’s probably just sleeping

What does he need, an invitation to the party? There is a crazed gunman loose in your area of operations, asshat. Get your rifle at the ready and find that SOB before he punches your ticket. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A GAME TO YOU?

Okay, this does admittedly look like a game. Or a painting from the Dark Ages.

Freaking 90’s Graphics

And still, Johnny remains unfazed. He skirts through life without a care in the world. If the developers of this game had programmed in smart phones, Johnny would spend his time playing Angry Birds while walking battle cows slaughtered Middle-East archetypes.

His story only had one possible ending, and sadly that is where we have arrived.