Sex Week: The Best (and Worst) Superhero Pickup Lines
Written by: Joseph Randazzo, Special to CC2K
So a while ago I sat down and came up with a list of superhero’s sexual attributes called The Pros and Cons of Superhero Sex. But now, several years and many therapy sessions espousing the value of “real girl” relationships later, I am back to the dating drawing board. So I thought, how did said superheroes manage to obtain the aforementioned sex? They couldn’t all be meeting in Craigslist casual encounters or paying for it (especially in this economy!). They have to out in the dating scene. In the crushing, horrible, $8.50-for-a-Bud Light bar scene, where egos are fragile and the air stinks of rejection like stale beer on a Sigma Pi carpet.
Anywho…here are some of the pickup lines that the superheroes from the meta-humans of the DC and Marvel universes use. I only did males because…well, just look at female superheroes. Thanks to their disproportioned goodness pick-up lines are not a real necessity.
Martian Manhunter
“What’s your sign? I could tell you were an Aries, I can see it in your mind…er…eyes.”
Green Lantern:
“You know I have a weakness for yellow hair.”
Daredevil
“Ever been with a fire crotch? At least I think I am. I’m not good with colors.”
“I used to own a castle.”
“All my friends said we’d get along great because I hear you have a great personality.”
The Thing:
“Hey, so are you big on pity?”
“I know I look a little different from my J-Date profile, funny story about that…”
Joker
“Women like funny guys right?”
“I love your lipstick.”
Professor X
“Want to be my number one? ENGAGE!”
Mr. Terrific
“You know I didn’t give myself this name.”
“I’m good with machines. No there’s no follow-up there, just saying.”
Dr Doom
“Kneel before Doom, yes, GOOD, GOOD.”
The Kingpin
“My hobbies? I like to beat up on blind guys.”
Green Arrow
“Fine, that’s cool, but please don’t tell my wife.”
Batman
“I’m what you would call…emotionally stunted, women seem to like that.”
Aquaman
“I’m not gay, seriously.”
Mr. Fantastic/ Elongated man.
“You know what my super power is right? I mean it’s right in the name, figure it out.”
Moon Knight
“I’m like a crazier Batman.”
“Ever want to have group sex with just one guy?”
Dr. Strange
“And sleeeeeeeep.”
The Flash
“For crying out loud, it’s just a name, what’s your name? Sarah? Cool, see I don’t make assumptions based on your name, aww come on.”
Namor the Submariner
“I enjoy your scent, makes me feel at home.” (I’m so sorry.)
Hulk
“Hulk Cuddle.”
Silver Surfer
“Well the good news is no genital warts.”
Ghost Rider
“Look, I got a bike.”
“I can see your sins, you’ve done worse.”
“Trust me, the burning sensation is perfectly natural.”
Spiderman:
“Hi, I’m Peter…damnit!”
Superman
“Why do they call me the Man of Steel? Well because the yellow rays of the sun make my body impervious to things like bullets, which has an anecdotal resemblance to steel, that’s why. Thanks for talking with me. Good day.
Punisher
“So…you don’t know where Jigsaw is? Thank you for your time, sorry about your shattered femur.”
Deadpool
“Mmm…tacos.”
Nick Fury
“I’m all about discretion.”
Luke Cage
“Sweet Christmas, I sure dig white chicks.”
“Does your man smell like me? Yup, That’s me, I’m the Old Spice guy.”
Iron Man
“So how much?”
Thor
“Thou arst the prettiest handmaiden in all of the nine …ahh screw it.”
“Want to try to lift my hammer? No really, it’s an actual hammer. No I never heard that euphemism before. I don’t even know what an entendre is, I was just talking about my big throbbing hammer…ok, I had that one coming.”
Wolverine:
“Good news, I’m experienced, bad news…you’ll most likely die.”
“I’m the best at what I do…and what I do is…” *leans in close for whispering and obscene hand motions*
“I’ve had more team-ups than…wait…I didn’t finish.”
Captain America:
“I knew your grandfather.”
Human Torch
“In this scenario I’m still alive.”