J2K = AOK (JK!)
Written by: Rob Van Winkle, CC2K Staff Writer
New Update 1-29-07
The holidays are a fun time in my family, due in no small part to the fact that the group consists almost exclusively of douchebags. Buying good gifts that people will like takes a back seat to a good gag gift. I mean after all, shit gets broken, but a good laugh lasts forever.
This year was no exception. After two years of buying cheap and terrible sculptures for my step-brother, I decided to delve into the world of pop culture. My choice for him? The Clay Aiken Christmas DVD. I knew this would get a big laugh, and I was convinced that this would be the funniest American Idol-themed present of the holiday season.
I was wrong. Right toward the end, I opened a present from my brother, and found From Justin to Kelly: the Special Edition DVD. How did he know what a perfect gift this would be? Whether he had simply heard me raving about it before, or read this article at one point, or listened to me when I asked him to get it for me…it was exactly the sort of gift that I would proudly display in my collection, yet never actually watch.
In fact, I was placing it just the other day at its preferred place of honor…when I noticed something startling. On this version of J2K, there was an audio commentary track by the director, as well as BOTH Justin AND Kelly!
Can you even imagine how incredible this could have been? The three biggest players in this unintentionally hilarious cinematic travesty gathering together years later to discuss what a trainwreck it was. Imagine how psychologically profound it would be to have three people discussing a project they did back when all of them expected it to launch them to fame and fortune, at a time when one of them has achieved great success, while the other two are completely washed up! Would Kelly have pretended that it never meant anything to her, and blatantly dropped references to her own current success? Would Justin at some point have asked when his paycheck for the commentary was going to come? Would director Robert Iscove urge fans of the movie to catch his latest work: Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of 'Diff'rent Strokes'? The potential for hilarity here was staggering!
And, ultimately, unfulfilled. You see, it didn’t long to realize that this commentary was recorded after the movie had been shot, but well before it had been released. So, instead of listening to three people looking back ruefully on a mistake, the commentary featured three people looking AHEAD to the success they all felt sure they would achieve, and speaking to the adoring fans they just knew were out there waiting to learn more.
What a letdown! Instead of an acknowledgement of how hackneyed the story was, we get the inside scoop that Kelly has sensitive eyes, and thus was always squinting! Instead of unsubtle hints that indicate that two of the players are only recording the commentary for the paycheck they now desperately need, we get countless descriptions of cast and crew members as “amazing.” Perhaps most distressingly, during the now-famous (or at least, referenced in my article) beach-to-ocean hovercraft beanbag toss contest, instead of an apology audibly delivered while holding their heads in their hands, we learn that the director saw these machines while scouting locations, and HAD to get them into the film. (We also learn that the engines often stalled out, and that the stunt man flew all the way BACK from LA to do this one last shot!).
In the end, the commentary WAS still interesting, but only in the same way it would be interesting to watch footage of somebody rehearsing a victory speech two weeks before they completely screw up and lose the contest. Both are equally profound, but for completely opposite reasons. In other words, watching From Justin to Kelly is still a guilty pleasure that delivers non-stop entertainment, but its enjoyment factor is greatly diminished when you realize that, once upon a time, the people who made it actually thought it would be good.
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