Goodtime Charlie Examines The Phenomenon That Is Gnomeo and Juliet

Written by: Goodtime Charlie, Special to CC2K

Elton John Spends a Scary Amount of Coolness Currency Date-Raping Gnomeo and Juliet into Existence

Despite whoring himself out to Rush Limbaugh for $1 million and not releasing a good album for a hundred years or so, Elton still has enough coolness currency left over from his seven consecutive number-one albums in the United States and putting the Pope in his fucking place to deserve his place in the sun. Barely. Where did he spend all this coolness in such a hurry? On this giant smelly turd: Gnomeo and Juliet.

For those of you not in the know, this regrettable project has regrettably been in development for an eternity. Many, many years ago somebody got stoned at one of Elton John’s castles (probably) and he became fixated on the idea of doing a version of Romeo & Juliet with animated gnomes–for which he, of course, would do the music and win another Oscar/Grammy/knighthood. Flush with coolness, Elton had no problem forcing the project onto Disney Feature Animation while it was roofied on the couch in his pool house, but when Disney bought Pixar (in order to release good movies again–SNAP) John Lasseter greatly increased his own coolness reserves by calling a turd a turd and kicking Gnomeo out the back door without so much as a how’s-your-father.

So Elton did what anybody in his enviable position would do–he climbed up on Harvey Weinstein’s solid-diamond desk and shoved good-ole Gnomeo down Miramax’s throat with ease. After all, Elton still had plenty of coolness left to spend [More than one could ever spend in a lifetime. We think. -Ed.] and he was not going to let this brilliant idea die on the vine, goddamnit! But then Miramax never woke up from the Gnomeo-induced coma, went bankrupt, and the project was dead and buried…until a recent full moon, when that zombie climbed out of the grave, walked over to Burbank incredibly slowly, and put the blocks to Disney’s Touchstone Pictures while it was on acid and totally distracted by some water dripping out of a faucet.

Say “Ahhhh” Harvey. And yes, Bob–you can watch.

And so now here we are–unrecyclable Gnomeo & Juliet ads coat the town and a bunch of stupid gnomes will grace silver screens all over the country on February 11th. [Bad movie junkies should wait until said gnomes are available for much, much less at Big Lots starting February 12th. -Ed.] How bad is this movie? Well, let’s just say it has NINE credited writers (plus the Bard himself) and that is never a good thing. There were probably, what, fifteen writers who didn’t want their names anywhere near this slithering turd that vomited thousand-pound notes all over Hollywood for 15 years? But that doesn’t matter because Elton is happy. He still has just enough coolness currency to skip to the front of the line at Starbucks, he sold the same movie at least three times, he got to be Executive Producer and do the music, his boo (David Furnish) got to be a producer, and some poor team of handsome young PAs got to be fondled while managing Elton’s treasured bobblehead collection

The bottom line here is that if Elton John doesn’t become President of Haiti and clothe the entire nation in sequined jumpsuits and velour top hats for a fast-motion, single-take-helicopter-shot music video within the next couple years he might not only have to forfeit his spot in Princess Diana’s tomb, but I might also have to leave him off my Christmas card list and get in on some of this Bieber Fever action that’s been going around…

Goodtime Charlie maintains a blog filled with equal parts whimsy and brandy.