Gamer Grub: A Night of Terror
Written by: Adam "ManKorn" Korenman, CC2K Video Games Editor
Aftermath
I’m not big on poop jokes, but there are gonna be a few ahead. So just brace yourself.
I ended my marathon gaming session at about three in the morning. My body needed true sustenance, as the Gamer Fuel had apparently put me in caveman survival mode. I had cravings for animals long dead.
Thankfully my roommate was home, and he had brought me a gift worthy of kings: Pop’ems.
If you ever get to Heaven, this is in the waiting room
For those of you living in other countries, Pop’ems are donut holes made of butter and sugar, which are then coated in butter and sugar. If it’s a holiday, they’ll even sprinkle on some sugar. You know, so it seems special.
He had already taken a few from the box, so I felt no shame in diving in. I can’t for sure say what happened, as I was still running pretty hot from all that fuel consumption, but seconds later the box was empty. To this day, I believe that ghosts or aliens had something to do with it.
This guys knows what I’m talking about
That’s when my body gave me a new message.
You see, I come from a family of lactose-intolerant individuals. This means that, unlike certain privileged members of the population, I cannot properly process milk or dairy products. Doesn’t stop me from eating them, but I have to live with the consequences.
Like this, but centered around my butt
At that moment, a lifetime’s worth of sugar and milk fought for control of my digestive tract. It was like Innerspace, but without Dennis Quaid. I ran screaming to the bathroom, praying to every deity in the book that I would make it in time. I don’t want to ruin your dinner by describing what happened next in much detail, so let’s just say it was akin to the end of Ghostbusters, albeit poop instead of marshmallow.
Hours later, still glued to my porcelain prison, my roommate knocked on the door.
“Buddy? You okay?”
I told him that Disney somehow moved its log flume ride to my colon. I asked if he could hand me something to eat, as I was feeling a little dizzy.
“Sure thing. I found this when I was shopping today. Figured you would like it.”
The door opened just enough for a hand to slip through and hand me a small bag. When my bloodshot eyes finally focused on the sack, I let out a wail that will echo around the universe for all time.
