Gamer Grub: A Night of Terror
Written by: Adam "ManKorn" Korenman, CC2K Video Games Editor
Flavor Town
I started up my game, waiting patiently for the server to connect and find me people to brutalize. Today was already meant to be a banner day, as I had finally broken down and bought a headset. Now I could communicate with my fellow warriors during the game, which made me the coolest kid in school.
Sorry we can’t all be rich kids with fancy Turtle Beach sets
The first match started and charged into the fray. Bullets snapped past my head as I slammed into cover, peeking out only to pop a few shots off at passing enemy soldiers. Like every experience with BF3, it was intense. If there was one thing that game nailed, it was the frenetic pace of battle.
Minus the mental scarring of Basic
About two hours in, I was feeling a bit peckish. My roommate wasn’t home yet, so there was no rush to make dinner. I figured I would grab something from the fridge at the next break. Then Fate stepped in.
I dropped my control in a fit of rage (stupid lag cost me my stupid shot and that stupid sniper counter-sniped me like a stupid….jerkface). As I bent down to pick it up, I saw my work bag near the bed. There, poking out, were two items I had forgotten buying. I grabbed the Grub and Fuel, figuring they would make a fine substitute meal until my roomie got back. I tore open the bag with my teeth and prepared to enter Flavor Town.
This was the only other image that wasn’t Guy Fieri
I had a perch overlooking a courtyard, perfect for sniping unsuspecting soldiers as they approached my control point. My team had destroyed most of the cover, making for easy shots. I took my first mouthful of Gamer Grub just as an Anti-Tank soldier appeared. I lined up my shot and…
WHAT! DEAR GOD WHAT IS THIS!?! I spat out my mouthful and ran to the bathroom, coughing and choking and crying. I grabbed my toothbrush and furiously scraped at my tongue, trying to erase the very memory of that flavor. The bag advertised the taste of peanut butter and jelly, two of my favorite things. What they provided was more like rotted fruit covered in camel dandruff.
To summarize, it wasn’t so great.
When I finally got back to my controller, the enemy player had disappeared. I was about to reach out to my squad to find out where he went when the bastard knifed me.
it’s important to note that Battlefield 3 significantly changed the way we knife each other in games. In Modern Warfare, and really every other shooter, you melee’d with a knife anywhere on an enemy and they dropped like it was a sick-stick from Minority Report.
Pretty much the only good thing to come from this movie
In BF3, you were treated to one of the most disturbing animations ever seen in gaming. In my case, I was lying prone in cover waiting for targets to appear. As I sat back down at my controller, the screen flipped upside down. I was being rolled over! I had just enough time to register a face before a six-inch knife slammed down into my throat. The screen jerked and my speaker played out my death rattle. The bastard took my dogtags and left twitching on the ground.
But I would return. The bag of Gamer Grub was safely in the trash, and I was out for blood.