Crucial top 10 lists for grim times

Written by: Paula Haifley, CC2K Horror Chick

Ten Reasons Why UHF needs to be moved to the top of your Netflix queue. RIGHT NOW.

10. It invented the Twinkie Wiener Sandwich
9. Fran Drescher is only mildly annoying in this movie.
8. Is there a better way to say I love you than with the gift of a spatula? I don’t think there is.
7. In every single moment of the film, the silliest thing that could possibly be happening is exactly what’s happening.
6. Ramon, the animal “expert,” teaches poodles how to fly.
5. It features Emo Philips as a weird-ass shop teacher.
4. On of the characters is named for Philo Farnsworth , the man that invented television.
3. “Supplies!”
2. Michael Richards triumphs over the forces of evil that have stolen his mop.
1. Weird Al.

10 reasons why Charlie’s Angles is my favorite trashy movie.

10. They do kung fu in stiletto heels.
9.Lucy Liu fixes the wiring at a drive-thru speaker box. While leaning over Drew Barrymore.
8. Tim Curry. Always sleazy, always awesome.
7. Kelly Preston tries to seduce Bill Murray while wearing an outfit Rick James wouldn’t be caught dead in.
6. Drew Barrymore and Sam Rockwell use Shake N’ Bake as a romance aid.
5. Lucy Liu’s secret identity is that she’s a bikini waxer. They’re call estheticians, guys, and they do all sorts of beauty treatments.
4. Cameron Diaz’s character is a bird expert.
3. Drew uses Scrabble tiles to indicate who the enemy is … by spelling out enemy.
2. Crispin Glover. Always creepy, always awesome.
1. It’s based on my favorite trashy TV show.

10 reasons why Fantastic Four wasn’t "fantastic" so much as "a miserable piece of shit."

10. Dr. Doom is turning into metal. Excuse me, I mean that some sort of space infection is encasing him in a new organo-metallic compound.
9. Torch actually says “flame on.”
8. Johnny brings in a prototype of an action figure for the Thing. It says “it’s clobberin’ time.” Later, when the Thing has gotten over the fact that he’s the Thing and has come to the rescue of our heroes, he says “it’s clobbering time.” So he’s quoting his own action figure.
7. Julian McMahon isn’t over-acting enough.
6. Where’s Bruce Campbell’s cameo? He’s in the Spidermans and Sky High. What? He’s not good enough for ya, Tim Story?
5. Jessica Alba’s Invisible Woman is “the head of genetic research” for Von Doom’s company. Ha. Ha.
4. Before the super space storm that makes them all freaks, I mean superheroes, Ben Grimm tells Reed Richards that he doesn’t have to do everything himself, that he should stop trying to be “Mr. Fantastic.”
3) The event that causes the Four to use their super powers for the greater good, rescuing innocent citizens all by themselves, is a catastrophic accident that they caused, all by themselves.
2) Moments after the Fantastic Four saved the innocents from the accident that they caused, the Four take a cab back to Reed’s lab. More innocents have not only found out where Reed’s lab is, but have also decided that that’s where the four are going, made signs and banners, showed up outside to glad hand the Four, and have been there long enough for police to put up barriers and block off parts of the street. I know that cab rides in Manhattan can take a long time, but come on.
1) I feel cheated out of some much hoped-for invisi-sex.