April Fools Week: The Hyperlinked Horror of Meet the Spartans
Written by: Keisha Woods, Special to CC2K
Not since the very first Scary Movie, maybe even the second (and I’m pushing it at this point to admit that I laughed at the 3rd installment), have I been moved to the point of recommending movie spoofs to friends. With that said, Meet the Spartans was no exception. First thought that came to mind when I heard of this film. Really? Did they spoof 300, one of the best gladiator-esque films of this time? Sadly after an hour and a half of my time , I found that the answer was yes.
Much like 300, we follow Leonidas on his mission to save Sparta against the bad ass Persians. In this case, it’s more like the bootleg Persians under the leadership of Xerxes, an overweight ruler who enjoys watching his minions commit otherwise shameful acts of tomfoolery. Donned in leather scanties and the obligatory hero cape, Leonidas is married to Queen Margo, played by actress Carmen Electra. Ironically, some of the parts in the movie mirrored Carmen’s tabloid, if not personal life. A “ha” moment for me if you will was when we discovered the tats on her back indicating Dennis Rodman, Kobe Bryant, The Oakland Raiders and of course Leonidas “was here”.
While there is nothing in this movie that anyone could call “funny,” the Spartan greeting was perhaps as close as it could get. The men would literally swap spit amongst each other and in some cases for long periods of time. As for the women, they were the mere recipients of a high five. It would have garnered actual laughs had it not been overly placed in the movie and at the oddest of times.
I can also “recommend” the Stomp the Yard scene for those of you who insist in finding the bright side in everything. It is a must see for it is one of the smallest pieces of interest. Hands down.
Children would have found the combat scenes effortless to reenact for sure. In the midst of battles, there were breaks for Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and Gatorade. All of the true elements of a good healthy battle right? No. Shameless plugs and endorsements at its best.
Through the pain of watching, I found memorable parts to this movie. The Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas scene in which Leonidas car jacked a Mexican in a Cadillac, then clubbed a girl packing two guns in the head while noticing his points increasing in the upper right corner. Nice. As a result of reaching the maximum points, he gets another weapon to use against his fight with Xerxes. The animation was not bad.
Let’s not forget the Britney Spears impersonation. Having been a Brittney fan and not ashamed to admit it, I saw nothing wrong with this jab. In fact, I found it quite right. Apropos if you will. The Britney Spears during her P.T.F.D. (post traumatic Federline disorder) period with a shaved head to boot produced seven chuckles that the rest of the movie failed to do.
Just when I thought that it couldn’t get any worse, I was wrong. Do you remember a sort of popular singer courtesy of American Idol by the name of Sanjaya? Oh but surely you remember Sanjaya right? Fear not if you don’t because continuity will definitely stay the same and he will forever have a fan or two.
There was an unnecessary amount of bodily fluids expressed in the movie that left me at a loss for words and any meal that I planned on consuming for the remainder of the day. It started with Shrek, continued with the surge of spit with pronunciation and followed up with Xerxes popping the super huge zit that was on Paris Hilton’s hunchback. I tell no tales.
To date, there still is not a scene worth remembering since the feast debacle of the first Scary Movie, courtesy of Chris Elliott when he played the caretaker Hanson. . I still want to thank his character for providing memories for me and friends since his “my germs” comment. Good times indeed.
I’d rather take the same actors from the original Scary Movie crew like Marlon Wayans Regina Hall and Anna Faris. I know that Meet the Spartans is a comedy, unfortunately as opposed to laughs, I was moved to tears.
McLovin would have added more to the movie in my opinion. At least that way my sifter doesn’t have to be a part of the equation.
